miss you from the past.

-c

i am finished with my senior Capstone presentation, what a relief.  my professor bought us all appetizers at Applebees afterwards and it was fantastic.  i am now full of chicken and chips and salsa.

also, i received what may have been the great compliment of my life thus far tonight.  a peer of mine told me that she’d never really understood Hamlet, but after she heard me present my paper it was much clearer and made much more sense.

i have made Shakespeare clearer to someone… i think that i can go confidently forward in my education process now.

i’m exhausted, so it’s a short one.

-c

here are the major points of today (yesterday really, but i’m still awake):

1. student government Christmas party.  i ate too much queso and sopapilla cheesecake.

2. i was told that there was no way i could accomplish the “gallon challenge” (drinking a gallon of milk in an hour).  i attempted it and bowed out gracefully.  i drank half a gallon in half an hour and then i was too full to continue.  don’t worry, i didn’t throw up.  but even if i had thrown up, i probably wouldn’t have described it on here.

3. i watched some boys play super smash brothers and wished they were playing melee because i lost all of my n64 SSB skills when my brother got rid of his 64.  i am pretty good as sheik or link on melee… sometimes i even do decent with samus

4. i crossed the crush who told me i should give my number out to random people off my list of crushes after he told a bunch of us that he had just called the girl who’s number he got and that they were going out this weekend.  also, he called her “hot” and that’s just a turnoff for me.  sir, last weekend i had a crushes on seven different fellows.  now i’m down to one and i’m not sure that he’s going to last long.  this sounds like a postcard, but i wish you were here.

5. right now, i am cleaning my apartment, baking sausage bread (from frozen bread, don’t get too impressed), thinking of working on my paper some more, and waiting for Glee to come online.  i am tired but i cannot sleep until this bread is done.  argh.

6. fun fact: my brother now has a girlfriend.  dear me, he’s growing up so fast.  i can’t wait to see him at Christmas.

-c

for future records, i like peppermint, sweatshirts, headbands, libraries, french fries.

also, to me, Christmas is the most romantic holiday of the year.  not Valentine’s Day, Christmas.  what is more romantic than snuggling by a fire, looking at lights, fireplaces, hot chocolate, sweaters, blankets, time with family and friends, sleigh rides, snowflakes, ice skating while holding hands, and homemade gifts?  ok, maybe i’m overdoing it, but these are the things that i most want to do with someone special.  these are the times and traditions that i most want to share with people i love.

oops, using the “L” word… it’s strange to me to use that word in reference to you.

not much to report this evening… i am currently in the library and i have been preparing to read Paradise Lost for about and hour now.  i told you, sometimes (probably most of the time) i can be procrastination city.

i’m sleepy too which isn’t really helping.  ok, so long for now…

-c

here is a conversation i just had in the library…

boy: (having just told me about how he got some girl’s number at a party) so, have you ever given a guy your number?

me: um, you mean, other than the…

boy: other than giving it to a friend?

me: no.

boy: oh well, maybe you would go out on more dates that way (chuckles).

me: (laughs while internally visualizing myself punching him in the jaw.)

sir, while i initially overlooked the irritation his statements caused me, especially since he proceeded to help me de-ice my windshield, i am now a bit miffed.

ok, i am taking a deep breath and not letting it get to me.  you are coming.

good night officially,

-c

i have inherited a love of watching sports from my parents.  i tend to veer more towards my father’s approach which is mainly cheering on specific teams of personal significance.  my mother will watch pretty much any sporting event on television, including golf which she truly seems to enjoy.

tonight, i got to watch some live college basketball, one of my favorite things to do on campus.  i understand how the game works, but not quite enough about it to cheer confidently or impressively.  typically my shouts/comments/mutterings from the stands are one of the following:

1. REBOUND.

2. SHOOT THAT.

3. GET THAT!

4. Yeah!

5. Good night!

6. COME ON!

7. Nice!

most of my cheers and comments for sports in general are either on that list or adaptations of what is on the list.  basically, i love watching sports and so does my family.  my family and i also love to play sports.

however, in the case of the actual playing of sports, my family is pretty athletic…

and i am definitely not.  but effort counts, right?

-c

I apologize in advance for the venting I am about to do.

I hate it when people tell me that guys think I’m “too good for them.”  Initially, it seems like a compliment because it’s supposed to make me feel like I’m on some sort of pedestal and honored or something.  But when I really think about it, it just feels like an excuse.

All it means is that right now, no guy feels like I’m worth it to try and be “good enough” for me or whatever.  No guy cares about me enough to want to change the things he thinks are not going to cut it with me.  Basically, I’m not worth enough to make a huge effort for right now.  I hate that excuse.  I’d rather a guy just say he’s not interested.  That feels like the truth to me.  Saying they’re “not good enough” is just another excuse, disguised as a compliment.

And I’m going to say now that I’m not “too good” or anything like that.  Yes, I don’t drink or do drugs, I’ve never been kissed, I love my family, I love God most of all, and cussing in movies makes me cringe.  But I’m not better than you or anyone else.  I make mistakes, I can be rude, selfish, catty, and stuck-up.  I appreciate being thought of as “good” but only God is good and just because I’m not going to settle doesn’t mean you have to be perfect to try.  Because I am DEFINITELY not perfect.

I guess I’m just scared that no one will ever want to know me enough to see my flaws, to get deeper than who I appear to be.

Well Sir, I guess if you’re reading this then you have.  Thank you.  From the past, I thank you.  I’m sorry to vent against guys.  I know y’all are trying to be nice when you say things like that, but sometimes it’s just less misleading if you just say, “You’re great but I’m not interested.”  The same thing gets achieved and it’s more honest.

Sir, honesty is very important to me.  That’s not supposed to scare you or anything, I just have realized that in all my relationships, truth and love are what makes them strongest.

Well… another heavy one.  Oh dear, I need to start talking about more joyful things.

It’s Sunday so I will be taking yet another nap.  Yesterday I slept from 4-6:45 and it was delightful.  Oh I hope you like naps.

-c

well i have just returned from a public place where i very nearly had to third wheel it up with a boy i was very very interested in about a month ago.  i’ll explain:

about a month, maybe a month and a half ago, i had a thing for this guy.  i’d go over to his apartment and hang out, we’d talk a lot, and we even went on a set-up date.  we went together, just us two, to a record store downtown to look for music.  i liked him… quite a bit.

the day after the record store, i hosted an student government event, and he was there the whole time flirting with this other girl.  she stayed to help me clean up so he stayed to help me clean up.  and they’ve been hanging around together ever since.

so i’ve been sort of avoiding him ever since.

and for the record (and whatever about me you’re reading into this), i’m not angry, i’m just done with him.  he is obviously not on the same page as me… which is completely fine.  i’m ready for a relationship though and i’m not strong enough to mess around with someone who’s not.  it hurts too much when you find out that the way you’ve been looking at a guy for weeks is definitely not the way he’s been looking at you.

anyways, about today, i just can’t really handle being with him and her too long.  we’re friends but i don’t feel good around them.  it just makes me feel lonely.

i picture myself as a cartoon puppy dog with a single tear rolling down her face when i write things like “i’m lonely,” but i have admitted to myself that that’s the way i feel so i accept it.

sorry, depressing one today.

here’s a fact though: i love leaving letters in the lower-case.  i think things written in lower-case just look more friendly and down-to-earth.

ok well, i got up early so it’s time for a nap.  another fact: i love naps.

-c

i think we ought to have dancing at our wedding.  mostly because i cannot wait to dance with you.  i know nothing about dancing, it just looks like so much fun!  everyone is laughing and twirling and…

wow, i know that sounds extremely girly and maybe not too exciting to you, but isn’t dancing a good cardio workout or something?  humor me dear.  i’m not too athletically gifted.  i love to play sports but i haven’t much talent for them.  i’m a bit of a nerd really… but i’m super competitive.  thank you for tolerating all of these complexities.

ok, i’m taking the LSAT tomorrow so i need to turn in.  i have some thoughts on “new moon” to share later.

don’t sigh or roll your eyes, it’s just some facts about me in relation to it.  again, no rolling of the eyes.

‘night-

c

since i promptly fell asleep after last night’s post, here i am again in the wee morning hours.  i must finish this horrendous paper on hamlet and study for a test on shinto.

can i squeeze in a one hour nap?  i dearly hope so.

it is cold down here on my floor so maybe i will not sleep too comfortably.

just thought you might like to know that in college i was horribly riddled with “senioritis.” perhaps you are extremely responsible and went to bed promptly at eleven each night in your college years.

if so, good for you.  do me a favor and make me do things in advance now.

good morning,

c